Sometimes they come back
by hali4qa
Summary: None of them tries to search for Gideon. Not even Reid. Especially not Reid. None of them tries to search for Gideon, but one day he shows up on his own


None of them tries to search for Gideon. Not even Reid. Especially not Reid.  
Drown in a sudden and complete loneliness he knows from the very moment he finds the note that he will never have enough - courage? egoism? insolence? - to look his mentor in the eye and ask: "Why?". And even without asking... Reid knows perfectly well that by the look alone he would take away the last chance for Gideon to do something with his life, to collect the pieces and to make them at least look as a whole again.

None of them tries to search for Gideon, and step by step all of them learn to live without him. Someone does it fast, someone takes his time, but at the end... Gideon isn't there when Garcia gets shot. He isn't there when Hotch is bleeding in a surgery. He isn't there when the very same Hotch almost goes crazy after loosing Haley, and the whole team goes through a court. He isn't there when JJ shows them her son for the first time. He isn't there when they prepare themselves to bury Spencer who got anthrax. He isn't there when they bury Emily. Years pass, thousands of events pass, and he is never there, so all of them - and even Reid, especially Reid - have learned to live without him long time ago.

None of them tries to search for Gideon, but one day he shows up on his own. It's a pretty ordinary Saturday, and the last thing Spencer expects to see when he comes home is a familiar silhouette on a porch. He stops on a lane and remembers everything he's done for the last twenty four hours to make sure he is not sleeping and not under drugs. Reality passes the test. It's the same dull warm Saturday, it's the same bag with food from a shop in his hands, it's the same neighbours walking their dogs across the street... but also it's Jason Gideon sitting on his porch. Reid can't possibly see it from where he stands, but he knows, he feels the man is looking at him - as sharp and solicitous as ever.

Gideon says: "Spencer".  
Reid turns around and leaves. The next thing he really remembers is Starbucks. He sits at the table in an almost empty room and drinks cold coffee, and a bag with food is right next to him, and all of this - a coffee, and food, and a foolish runaway - is stupid and maybe even funny, and he will definitely laugh over it. Later. As for now, Reid analyses his own emotions and reactions. He should feel happy because someone who was close to him is still alive, if for no other reason. He should feel angry. At the very least he should feel offended. Gideon disappeared when it pleased him, and he returned when it pleased him, and both times without a warning. And maybe it's not completely fair to think like this but Reid has all the rights to feel happy, angry and offended. Instead he feels nothing. He feels empty. "It should be a shock", he thinks, "there are too many emotions for me to process. Oh, and I need to tell others. Or maybe I shouldn't. Maybe Gideon has no reasons to come back. Maybe he didn't come back. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me".  
Emptiness explodes with fear. Reid doesn't know how madness starts, but he has been waiting for it to start for the last two years, and who knows... maybe for him it's going to be like this, maybe in his case it comes with quiet steps of his former mentor. But there hasn't been any stressor, has it? He didn't think of Jason for a long time. He made it through the pain and denial, he left all of it far behind him, he moved on. He grew up. Got used to it. Right? Reid sighs and moves the coffee away, preparing to leave.

And then he notices movement, and Gideon appears right in front of him and gets sitted across the table. In a harsh artificial light of Starbucks' lamps he looks incredibly real. There are about ten new wrinkles, a gray stubble on his face, a shabby leather jacket, and there are also guilt and worry in the way he stares. Reid hems nervously and looks away, to his own hands crossed on the table.  
"Spencer", says Gideon again.  
"I've been Spencer for thirty years now, what of that?" - it sounds harsh, and Reid is surprized himself exactly how harsh it sounds, but what the hell? He has a right for it. His hands start to shake, but deep inside he is still neither happy nor angry, so he just bites his lip and leans back, and he hides his hands under the table.

Gideon is silent for few long minutes, and then he starts talking. He stumbles, and he stops sometimes for a second or two, but he keeps talking nevertheless: about how he couldn't stay. About how it was unfair to all of them - and especially to Spencer - and that he will never forgive himself. About how many times he wanted to talk to him before he left, and how many times after that, and how he stopped himself every single time because he knew he wouldn't be able to leave after the talk, and he wouldn't be able to stay either, which means he would fall apart right in front of them. About how he has always have faith in Reid and that he wasn't disappointed even a bit. About how he was an awful father for his own son, and how because of that he never wanted to be more than a colleague or a mentor to Reid, since he knew he would screw it up eventually, and Reid did't deserve that. About how he never wanted to hurt him and how he failed after all because at the end he was right, he did screw it up. About how he hates to be right in situations like this. About how he can't imagine what Reid was going through those few weeks after his departure, and also later. About how sorry he is that he wasn't there when he was needed the most. About how grateful he is that they let him go. About how he doesn't deserve forgiveness and doesn't count on it. He says that he has no right whatsoever to rush into their lives again, and if Spencer tells him to leave, he would leave and he won't bring back the memories that are almost forgotten...

He stumbles because Reid is laughing, dry and unpleasantly, and then the laugh starts being hysterical, so Jason moves next to him, and hugs him, and pulls Reid's forehead to his shoulder. Reid doesn't fight it, he laughs and laughs and laughs as if he can't stop, and it's only minutes later that he goes to shaking quietly and then to being still. Jason carefully pats his back and wonders what does it mean. Sometimes he doesn't ungerstand Reid at all. And then Reid mumbles something to his shoulder.  
"Sorry?"  
Reid pushes away and looks right at him, and repeats: "I have an eidetic memory. I don't do forgetting."

Reid pushes away and looks right at Gideon, keeping eye contact and listening to himself. He isn't empty inside anymore. It's like he's been vomiting with emptiness during a hysterics, and now it's gone. And now he feels anger and happiness competing with each other, trying to fill him first and mixing together. Reid is confused now, but he starts talking hastily, as if Gideon can disappear again without giving him a chance to finish his speech.  
"I stopped hoping to see you again long time ago. I thought that your runaway was a universal answer to all my questions, and I hated you for that, but nevertheless I tried to understand, why did you do it to me, to us... how could you do it? I would have done anything to help you, but you left with only a note behind. I read it like fifty time... fifty two, actually. I searched for a hidden message, for hope, for advice, I don't even know what for... and then I stopped that too. And now you just show up and say you are sorry."  
Gideon looks like every word hurts him to the heart. He nods and tries to say something in return, but Reid interrupts him right away.  
"You show up and suddenly I realize, that I never stopped hoping."  
And that's exactly the moment when Jason Gideon finally understands, why did he go back after all. Bright eyed boy turned to a man and somehow erased "fatal" from the description of all of his mistakes. Jason smiles and once again hugs Reid, who by that moment starts to blush - and that is good, that is so familiar it's almost unreal.  
And then Gideon says: "Thank you".


End file.
